Diary Entry

Fellow bloggers this maybe a one time thing, however I am going to write an entry that is like a diary entry. I apologize if it maybe to long but I just wanted to express a little of my dark, deep and sad side of me. This was many months ago and I left it in the past in a locked up place where I know that if I get to that point in my life again that I know what I can do to avoid it from breaking me down again.

      The sky is so blue, the sun is so bright and yet I cover my face with these masks. Depending on the mood I am going through that day, today’s mood is depression. I sit back and wait until you return; you return to me I am so excited. Wait! Something is different, you don’t smile or laugh the same, and you feel distant why?

            You hide behind this mask but the mask is so cold, so bland, so not you. You come closer and I keep seeing something other than who I fell in love with. This mask is doing a very good job at keeping me away from you, it scares me, makes me feel weak, lonely, hopeless but most of all not loved. I put my mask on to hide the embarrassment, shame, pain and the tears. You promise you would never leave however yet you are here but not here; you love another that’s why you wear your mask. Have we lost ourselves somewhere in this deep dark tunnel of no return or are we really drifting apart?

          My mask has a frown due to the pain that has been caused either from you or from me. I loved you with my whole entire body as well as my soul. You kept a secret for eight months and the mask shows no remorse nor regret is that how you feel? I am a broken soul lost in the world of Netherland as I try to find the Lost Boys to help me get back to you; you didn’t bother to even look for me. You just leave me in this unrealistic world fighting alone with Peter Pan to keep Captain Hook in his place. This mask is my protection, however, the protection didn’t work so well due to the fact that you have still manage to tell me you don’t know what you want but you ask for a break. What mask will you wear now? The one that says I can’t be with you but I don’t know how to say it to you or the one that says I fell in love with her and it’s time to move on! Which one is going to break my heart more?

          The last mask I have is a smile that sits beside my frown; one that sits in the depths of my closet. However, I will never use that one since I have no reason to be happy, no reason to smile. I will wear it around the people that don’t know me nor understand me. They see a smile on my face so they don’t bother to ask what is wrong or why am I sad? They just leave me alone as well as believe that I am happy which makes it easier for me to move on with my life. My smile mask is to hide the depression, the sore, the pain, the broken heart but most of all hide my face from the mere fact that I have just lost the one person that I have truly loved. Behind my smiling mask are tears that fall so slowly on my cold rosy cheeks. I have come to realize I lost you and I have no choice but to move on. Goodbye, true love and welcome misery that brings her company. Farewell!

God

     I know that speaking about God is a very touchy subject because most people don't believe in God or believe in other religion. However, I believe in God. I have gone through a lot in my life every since I moved to Florida. I have experienced my first broken heart, first tickets, first apartment, first car through a dealership. I have worked, cried, and laughed through most of my experiences.
   
     I thank God for blessing me with my daughter, with the opportunity to buy a new car even though it may not be through a dealership but through another owner. He still gave me the opportunity to get another car. I thank Him for giving me the parents that I have and are allowing me to come back home with open arms. I thank Him for showing me that even though I am going through a struggle or a hard time in life. I still can overcome what I am going through.

     God has showed me that believing in Him and trying to pray every night that I am His child and He will never forget or let me down. I am blessed and there are days that I just want to throw the white towel in and surrender. However, my adoptive mom in a sense always tells me that "God won't put no more on me then I can bare." With that I always seem to look at my problems dead on and face them.

     God will set me free if I just believe.

Confused Relationship

     How can I open my heart to you if all I see is lies, deceit, pain and regret in your eyes. I want to love you but I can't do that if I can't see it in your eyes. A relationship is about communication and compromise not about just giving the other person what they want or what you think they want to hear. I know that when you open your heart to someone you are suppose to pick up their extra baggage and their family but if I can't trust you. How can I pick up your baggage and your family? Relationships is about loyalty, love, compassion, trust and friendship.

     I want to be able to love you and give your my heart but I have a broken and damaged heart. It needs to be taken care of with tender, love and care. However, your eyes tell me otherwise it makes me want to run away. Never looking back but my heart won't let me do that because I love you to much to run away. Plus I am tried of running away from my problems but baby trust me when I say I am never to old to put my foot down and say what I am feeling. Right now I just want to bash you on the head with a bat for being so stubborn. But I can't do that because once again I love you to much.

     Relationships are consumed of two people not three or more. Baby I want you and only you, I am not quite sure that you want that. I hear what you are saying but show me prove it to me. Show me that you love me, show me that you care, show me that I mean something to you. Stop telling me because your words don't mean anything to me. I need actions baby show me what I am to you and how much I am to you.  I want to be your wife but that means that I need to show you what you mean to me in my life and vice versa.

      I leave it with this. A relationship is made of you and I which makes it an us, we and/or an our thing. It will no longer be just an I, me, or myself thing, that is when it becomes an issue and it begins to tore what you once love. Don't be selfish or self-centered when you have a good man or woman by your side. Learn to love them with all your heart and never hurt the one you say you love. You don't love someone if you're willing to hurt them.

Aleigha

        March 24, 2010 at 4:22am, a beautiful angel was born. A 22 hour labor that felt like an eternity ended up with a C-section surgery and a panic attack because I never had a surgery that was so serious. I was worried and calling for my mother that John (Aleigha's father) had to call my mother. I spoke to her and she came to the rescue. I wanted her to come in the operation room with me but she told me that she wasn't going to do that since it was a special moment for the both of us. After being in the operation room and trying to calm down, having John holding my hand and caressing my face. The first sound of relief was when I heard her crying.

        When John first held her everything was so right and so perfect. She was my angel, I had promised myself that I would protect her in any way I could as well as I would never let anything or anyone harm her. She is the apple of my eye and my everything. We decided to name her after both grandmothers, his mother's name is Leigha and my mother's middle name is Felicia. I always wanted my first daughter to be names Aaliyah, I didn't know how I wanted to spell it but knowing that his mother was Leigha. We decided to just add the A to it and keep my mother's middle name as hers.

        Hence how Aleigha Felicia Lopes was decided. From the moment we left the hospital to the minute I moved to Fl, she is my sunshine, my everything and my world. I left her for the dumbest reason in the world and I regret it every minute and every moment I stay in FL. I should have never left her side she needs me more than anything and for the dumbest reason in the world I left. However, I am going back to her and I will provide her with the love, shelter, and comfort that I know I can give to her.

        Fl has been a lesson learned experience for me. However, it's time to go back home to be with my sunshine and my family. I should have never left and that mistake will always be remembered and those three years will be in my eyes wasted as well as time apart as well as seeing her grow up. I have time to make up even though those years have been gone. I leave this with a simple I'm coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home.