Happiness

Pure happiness I am finally home still need to unpack and get everything together. But I am finally happy, spent the evening with my cookie monster and she was so excited to see me. I couldn't ask for anything more. I love her so much and everything is just right.

It kind of just suck because I left a nice summer weather to come home to fog, cold and wet weather. I might have to reconsider this move. Ummmm reconsidered nope staying home. Lol I can't believe I am here still coming to realize that I am truly home.

This is a picture that I have of my cookie monster and I. Guys I AM TRULY HAPPY!!!!! Later got to pick up the munchkin.

Distance

Goodbyes make me tear and see you later's are open broken promises. I can't bare to see myself leave such a wonderful place that I have made my second home. However, I know that I have met wonderful people along the way. I have become to see what life really means, have come to realize that everything is a fight.

As I take this ride home along, I realized what home really means. Isn't not where you station yourself or where you have the most clothes located in. But it's where the heart lays. God has shown me that I CAN BE A STRONG YOUNG LADY as well as I am a FIGHTER! I have grown so much in the time span of three years in FL. I have experienced many things along the way, that has shown me to be independent.

I humbly return home to mom and dad to apologize for my wrongs as well as making them right. I also know that my anger is something that hasn't changed but has been controlled. You see before I use to swing first then ask questions now I do neither. Now I just shutdown and ask to be alone. If you can't respect my wishes then things get a little heck. 

However knowing my family and how they think they know me this would be a battlefield. I am going to go with an open mind as well as an open soul since I am different as well as maturing every minute of the day, I will miss my second mother dearly, she is the foundation to who I am now. She has seen me when I was at my lowest, instead of walking away she extended her hand to help. Even though she had her troubles over piling on her plate, she still said I am here if you ever need me.

She heard my tears, my soul crying for mercy and my broken heart. She was my saviour little by little as the Lord Himself was working through her. I have always been the one to find ways to justify my life of why is this happening to me? Why me? What did I do? However, living with mom for the couple of months I did, I learned that somethings are better undiscovered. Somethings are better left alone due to the mere fact of if you pray about it and leave it in God's hands. He will work it out, just leave it alone and God has your back.

With that being said I leave you with this: No matter where you go, how far you are, home is where your heart lays. I am heading to my primary home but Fl will always be my secondary home. I love everyone that I have become friends and family too. You guys will always be in my heart! 

Please Leave Me Alone

Okay I will just like to be left alone. You don't know my history, you don't know me, you just see what I allow you to see. With that being said I am moving because I have bigger priorities than just school. I have a family that I left behind making childish decisions. I am maturing and growing up! Unless you are paying my bills, taking over my responsibilities, putting food on my table your opinions doesn't matter to me. Unless I ask for your two cent of opinion or I come up to you asking for advice; don't take it personally I don't want to hear it.

I have a four year old daughter that needs her mother. No one that has giving me the "evil eye" or lectures of why I need to stay and finish a term that I am not even focused on because I am stressed out, homesick and thinking about New York is paying my rent, gas, food, clothes nor is working my shifts at work. Therefore, I will do whatever I see fit for my daughter and I. She has been without me for so long and doing this summer visitations is bogus and having my parents feel some type of way is not right.

Being here for three years on my own; has made me realize I can survive on my own and that if need too I can do it in NY. It is time to go back home as well as keep getting stronger. I am a young lady that has been maturing with the grace of God as well as with the help of an Angel that God has introduce me to! She has been an awesome friend, listener, helper, and a mother figure to me, without her I truly don't know where I would be.

So please leave me alone. You don't know me, don't know my history, my life story and you are not contributing to my finances therefore your opinion is invalid. Now please clock out and go home.

Life

As life goes on and people begin to slowly walk out of your lives. You begin to notice who your true friends, family and support system really are. I have gone through so much in so much little time that I begin to think whether or not I am 22. I have seen people die in front of me, seen news where people shoot each other over who they associate with, seen where family members treat each other like nothing until it is to late.

I have been raised to treat people they way you want to be treated however people don't treat me how they want me to treat them. Why should I give them the benefit of the doubt of my kindness? Why should I be the bigger person? Why should I set aside my pride, my dignity and self-respect for someone who doesn't deserve it? The answer is very simple. Because I am ME.

ME, someone who has a heart no matter how many times it has been broken, shattered, stepped on, and even walked on. I am a person that keeps loving even though the love I am giving is my own tears and blood. I am a loving person because I have given myself to a higher power and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. I have been able to forgive people a whole lot more than I use to before

Diary Entry

Fellow bloggers this maybe a one time thing, however I am going to write an entry that is like a diary entry. I apologize if it maybe to long but I just wanted to express a little of my dark, deep and sad side of me. This was many months ago and I left it in the past in a locked up place where I know that if I get to that point in my life again that I know what I can do to avoid it from breaking me down again.

      The sky is so blue, the sun is so bright and yet I cover my face with these masks. Depending on the mood I am going through that day, today’s mood is depression. I sit back and wait until you return; you return to me I am so excited. Wait! Something is different, you don’t smile or laugh the same, and you feel distant why?

            You hide behind this mask but the mask is so cold, so bland, so not you. You come closer and I keep seeing something other than who I fell in love with. This mask is doing a very good job at keeping me away from you, it scares me, makes me feel weak, lonely, hopeless but most of all not loved. I put my mask on to hide the embarrassment, shame, pain and the tears. You promise you would never leave however yet you are here but not here; you love another that’s why you wear your mask. Have we lost ourselves somewhere in this deep dark tunnel of no return or are we really drifting apart?

          My mask has a frown due to the pain that has been caused either from you or from me. I loved you with my whole entire body as well as my soul. You kept a secret for eight months and the mask shows no remorse nor regret is that how you feel? I am a broken soul lost in the world of Netherland as I try to find the Lost Boys to help me get back to you; you didn’t bother to even look for me. You just leave me in this unrealistic world fighting alone with Peter Pan to keep Captain Hook in his place. This mask is my protection, however, the protection didn’t work so well due to the fact that you have still manage to tell me you don’t know what you want but you ask for a break. What mask will you wear now? The one that says I can’t be with you but I don’t know how to say it to you or the one that says I fell in love with her and it’s time to move on! Which one is going to break my heart more?

          The last mask I have is a smile that sits beside my frown; one that sits in the depths of my closet. However, I will never use that one since I have no reason to be happy, no reason to smile. I will wear it around the people that don’t know me nor understand me. They see a smile on my face so they don’t bother to ask what is wrong or why am I sad? They just leave me alone as well as believe that I am happy which makes it easier for me to move on with my life. My smile mask is to hide the depression, the sore, the pain, the broken heart but most of all hide my face from the mere fact that I have just lost the one person that I have truly loved. Behind my smiling mask are tears that fall so slowly on my cold rosy cheeks. I have come to realize I lost you and I have no choice but to move on. Goodbye, true love and welcome misery that brings her company. Farewell!

God

     I know that speaking about God is a very touchy subject because most people don't believe in God or believe in other religion. However, I believe in God. I have gone through a lot in my life every since I moved to Florida. I have experienced my first broken heart, first tickets, first apartment, first car through a dealership. I have worked, cried, and laughed through most of my experiences.
   
     I thank God for blessing me with my daughter, with the opportunity to buy a new car even though it may not be through a dealership but through another owner. He still gave me the opportunity to get another car. I thank Him for giving me the parents that I have and are allowing me to come back home with open arms. I thank Him for showing me that even though I am going through a struggle or a hard time in life. I still can overcome what I am going through.

     God has showed me that believing in Him and trying to pray every night that I am His child and He will never forget or let me down. I am blessed and there are days that I just want to throw the white towel in and surrender. However, my adoptive mom in a sense always tells me that "God won't put no more on me then I can bare." With that I always seem to look at my problems dead on and face them.

     God will set me free if I just believe.

Confused Relationship

     How can I open my heart to you if all I see is lies, deceit, pain and regret in your eyes. I want to love you but I can't do that if I can't see it in your eyes. A relationship is about communication and compromise not about just giving the other person what they want or what you think they want to hear. I know that when you open your heart to someone you are suppose to pick up their extra baggage and their family but if I can't trust you. How can I pick up your baggage and your family? Relationships is about loyalty, love, compassion, trust and friendship.

     I want to be able to love you and give your my heart but I have a broken and damaged heart. It needs to be taken care of with tender, love and care. However, your eyes tell me otherwise it makes me want to run away. Never looking back but my heart won't let me do that because I love you to much to run away. Plus I am tried of running away from my problems but baby trust me when I say I am never to old to put my foot down and say what I am feeling. Right now I just want to bash you on the head with a bat for being so stubborn. But I can't do that because once again I love you to much.

     Relationships are consumed of two people not three or more. Baby I want you and only you, I am not quite sure that you want that. I hear what you are saying but show me prove it to me. Show me that you love me, show me that you care, show me that I mean something to you. Stop telling me because your words don't mean anything to me. I need actions baby show me what I am to you and how much I am to you.  I want to be your wife but that means that I need to show you what you mean to me in my life and vice versa.

      I leave it with this. A relationship is made of you and I which makes it an us, we and/or an our thing. It will no longer be just an I, me, or myself thing, that is when it becomes an issue and it begins to tore what you once love. Don't be selfish or self-centered when you have a good man or woman by your side. Learn to love them with all your heart and never hurt the one you say you love. You don't love someone if you're willing to hurt them.

Aleigha

        March 24, 2010 at 4:22am, a beautiful angel was born. A 22 hour labor that felt like an eternity ended up with a C-section surgery and a panic attack because I never had a surgery that was so serious. I was worried and calling for my mother that John (Aleigha's father) had to call my mother. I spoke to her and she came to the rescue. I wanted her to come in the operation room with me but she told me that she wasn't going to do that since it was a special moment for the both of us. After being in the operation room and trying to calm down, having John holding my hand and caressing my face. The first sound of relief was when I heard her crying.

        When John first held her everything was so right and so perfect. She was my angel, I had promised myself that I would protect her in any way I could as well as I would never let anything or anyone harm her. She is the apple of my eye and my everything. We decided to name her after both grandmothers, his mother's name is Leigha and my mother's middle name is Felicia. I always wanted my first daughter to be names Aaliyah, I didn't know how I wanted to spell it but knowing that his mother was Leigha. We decided to just add the A to it and keep my mother's middle name as hers.

        Hence how Aleigha Felicia Lopes was decided. From the moment we left the hospital to the minute I moved to Fl, she is my sunshine, my everything and my world. I left her for the dumbest reason in the world and I regret it every minute and every moment I stay in FL. I should have never left her side she needs me more than anything and for the dumbest reason in the world I left. However, I am going back to her and I will provide her with the love, shelter, and comfort that I know I can give to her.

        Fl has been a lesson learned experience for me. However, it's time to go back home to be with my sunshine and my family. I should have never left and that mistake will always be remembered and those three years will be in my eyes wasted as well as time apart as well as seeing her grow up. I have time to make up even though those years have been gone. I leave this with a simple I'm coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home.